Oral Traditions

My favorite event of the year happened this weekend and, once again, it did not disappoint. The Richmond Folk Festival drew a record crowd (190,000) and featured performers from Iran, Brazil, India, Haiti, Siberia and many other countries as well as all corners of the United States.

The Richmond Folk Festival is a communicator’s dream. The entire premise is communication — the passing along of songs, dances, stories, food and craftmanship from one generation to the next. And then those oral traditions cross geographic boundaries, helping audiences learn about and appreciate the uniqueness of cultures as well as the things that bind us together.

My favorite performance this year — and my 14-year-old son’s favorite, too — was called “The African Influence: Rituals & Roots.” It featured a jazz musician from New Orleans and performers from Brazil, Haiti and Iran talking about the influence of African culture on their music. After each performer shared a sample of their music, they engaged in a jam session that brought hundreds of spectators to their feet.

Every year, I come away from this festival with an even greater understanding of the power of communication — especially through music — to span generations and bridge diverse cultures.

This year, however, I witnessed something that unexpectedly caused me to think about an oral tradition of a different type. As my son and I roamed the festival grounds, we ran across several people that were just plain grumpy. Couples sniped at each other over silly things. One fellow who was in a hurry griped to his wife about how long it was taking to funnel through a narrow staircase festival-goers used to get up and down a hill. A few parents fussed at their children who clearly were tired of all the walking in the 80-degree heat.

Now, for the record, I’ve been there. I’ve had my share of grouchy moments. But in an otherwise joyful and positive environment, these few grumps stood out. It caused me to think about how we communicate messages about ourselves to unsuspecting people in the most unexpected places. Since most of the nasty exchanges took place among couples, it also made me think about how much our personal communication styles determine the direction of our relationships.

The happiest relationships I’ve seen are those in which each person respects the other enough to speak with kindness. Of course, it takes two to really make it work, but if both people decide they’re going to communicate with civility, respect and kindness — even when they disagree — then the positivity spills over into every other aspect of their lives together.

I might have simply caught these people at bad moments. We all have those. But I’m guessing most of what I witnessed were the symptoms of greater unhappiness. The grouches were communicating their unhappiness for everyone around them to see — most importantly, their spouses and children.

Oral traditions aren’t just about passing down songs, dances, stories, foods and crafts from one generation to the next. They’re also about passing attitudes and spirit from one person to another, and that happens when we’re least aware of it.

How Communication Can Stop the Employee Exodus

American companies are looking forward to the day when the recession is over and the financial books don’t read like horror novels. But they shouldn’t get too comfortable. They’re about to be hit by another blow to the bottom line, according to a recent survey.

Deloitte’s annual “Ethics & Workplace Survey” reveals that one-third of American workers say they will look for a new job when the economy recovers. That means companies will have to invest in the search, hiring, processing and training of new employees, which adds up to real money. That doesn’t even count the cost of losing institutional knowledge.

Nearly half of these employees — 48 percent — say their motivation for leaving is a lack of trust in their employers. Forty-six percent say a lack of transparent communication from their leaders is the primary cause of their unhappiness at work.

How much more evidence do we need to demonstrate that an organization’s relationship with its employees affects the bottom line — and that how leaders communicate is a major factor in the health of that relationship?

Let’s break it down to the basics. Here’s how companies can practice communication that helps stop the exodus:

Be real with employees. Most people already know at least some of the truth about what’s going on in an organization, such as how the company’s performing or what customers are saying. They also know when they’re being fed a load of crap. The buzzword “transparency” simply means shooting straight with employees and not misleading them. Most people are grown-up enough to handle the truth.

Be available. Leaders can’t cloister themselves in the C-suite and hope inquisitive employees go away. A big part of leadership is getting out among the people you lead, listening to their ideas and concerns firsthand, and getting your (truthful) message out. I once worked in the business unit of a large company, the president of which said communication was his most important job. Unfortunately, that’s a rare thing.

Promote all-way communication. This is more than just two-way, which usually means the Q&A portion of a town hall meeting. In order for trust to exist in an organization, communication must happen all ways — from leaders to employees, from employees to leaders, across departmental boundaries, within teams, from supervisor to group, from individual to supervisor and every which way you can imagine. The truth is, communication is happening like that, whether or not leaders acknowledge it. Why not inject some facts into those dialogues rather than allowing the rumor mill to run amok?

Trust employees with information. As noted before, most employees will act like grown-ups if treated that way. Most people want their employers to succeed. That means most people will treat sensitive company information with appropriate care. When employees feel business leaders trust them, they are more likely to trust leaders in return.

And when mutual trust happens in an organization, people stay put.

Missing the Passion

It’s been more than a month since I last posted anything to this blog. A colleague was so concerned by my virtual absence that she e-mailed me to ask if everything was OK. I assured her that it is, that I’ve been busy with client work lately. But I also confessed that I haven’t been inspired to write much since my mother’s death two months ago.

I’m sure it’s a normal part of the grieving process, but the passion simply is difficult to find right now. And passion is a critical component of the writing life, and most any life, really.

My friend and professional colleague Wendy Martin recently began writing a blog about living a healthful lifestyle. The blog is one result of her having won a contest in which, as part of her winning essay, she committed to blogging about her “year of wellness.” In a recent conversation, she said she might be “wasting way too much time” on the blog. I assured her that writing the blog is not a waste of time. It’s the perfect intersection of her passion (living a healthful lifestyle that includes lots of outdoor physical activity) and her talent (the ability to write well with humor and clarity).

I’m envious of all my friends who are living out their passions and using their skills to do so.

Steve Crescenzo, a fellow consultant and top-rated speaker in our profession, is downright fiery when it comes to creative communication. Anybody who has attended one of his seminars can attest to that. He keeps an exhausting travel schedule, creates comedy out of corporate communications (which is not easy to do, I assure you), and constantly comes up with new and innovative ways to present information.

My best friend and mentor Les Potter discovered a few years ago — after a long career in corporate communications and consulting — that his real passion is teaching. Today he is a senior instructor at the Towson University School of Mass Communication and Communication Studies while also working toward his doctorate. Anyone who has ever had the privilege of learning from Les knows his passion for communication strategy and how to do it well.

David Murray writes passionately about writing — especially employee communication and speechwriting — on his Writing Boots blog. While I don’t always agree with his posts, he always makes me think. I admire the strength of his convictions and the care with which he constructs his blog posts.

These people have discovered where their passions and their talents meet. That is an enviable place to be.

Honestly, I feel that I’m still looking for that place. I believe I’m a good communicator, a competent writer, and writing is something I enjoy doing. Now I’m looking for where my skill intersects with my passion — whatever it is.

The death of my mom at once sapped my desire to write — at least for a while — and caused me to wonder what I’m really passionate about. Life is too short to spend it on something that doesn’t stoke the fire in our bellies.

Want Valuable Market Research? Just Listen

I had a great time talking with the Charleston, S.C., chapter of the American Marketing Association yesterday. They didn’t know me from Adam and it was a packed house — a testament to the interest around my topic of marketing on a shoestring budget.

I shared 25½ ideas for marketing without spending a fortune. (The presentation was geared more toward small businesses, but even big corporations could apply the principles.) Right up front, I addressed the issue of using social media because there is the perception that these tools don’t cost anything (the reality is social media done right requires an investment of time and sometimes money).

Recently, Ragan.com ran an article by marketing and digital technology consultant John Jantsch in which he argues that social media really don’t matter anymore. “Undeniably,” he wrote, “we have a new way of doing business and marketing, but this new thing isn’t ‘social media,’ it’s simply a focus on engaging customers. That’s all there is to it.”

Essentially, his point is that you can hire all the social media gurus you want, using all the latest technology, but ultimately what works is a marketing strategy that focuses on knowing what customers want and need.

I couldn’t agree more, which is why many of the tips I shared yesterday focus on getting to know your customers and potential customers. I suggest things like taking customers out for a beer and asking them 20 questions and taking advantage of real-life social networking opportunities to listen to what customers say when you’re not trying to market to them. I encourage businesses to be remarkable in the free things like how they answer the phone and by sending hand-written thank-you notes. I endorse content marketing, which is all about providing valuable information and resources in order to build trust and credibility with the market.

The most valuable market research is just listening to customers. While many marketing plans begin with thinking about what our products can do, the great services we provide or how qualified we are to be the customer’s choice, they should start first with knowing and understanding our customers, their problems and issues, and what they want from a product or service provider. Powerful brands and strong marketing plans are built by closing our mouths and opening our ears.

At Life’s End, Clear and Meaningful Communication

It has been too long since I posted anything to this blog, but I found it difficult to write much of anything — here or anywhere else — after my mother passed away on May 19. I live an integrated life, one in which my personal and professional experiences intertwine to the extent that sometimes I can’t tell where one leaves off and the other begins. As a result, I’ve been thinking about what I could draw from my mother’s last days and her death that might inform my work as a communicator.

Where I’ve ended up is a place I’ve been before — the realization that while I’m passionate about the effective use of communication as a business tool, what I’m really passionate about is the power of the everyday, organic communication that takes place among people. I’ve called it “small-c communication,” as compared with the engineered, strategically planned “Big-C Communication” that occupies most of my working hours.

I wrote in February about my mother’s dementia and how it had robbed us of “small-c communication.” What I could not have foreseen is that the final days of her life would afford us some opportunities to communicate in ways that were more profound than I’ve ever experienced before.

My mother died of cancer. Breast cancer that she had defeated years ago came back in her liver. The dementia made caring for her even more challenging. My father was determined not to institutionalize my mother for either disease and, thanks to the incredible work of hospice providers, she was at home to the very end. Because of that, my sisters and my father and I were able to come and go and visit as we pleased. That was a gift, as we’d come to find out.

We witnessed a series of small miracles in my mother’s last weeks. Despite the fact that dementia had ravaged her mind, my mother experienced moments of unmistakable clarity. She still mostly struggled to express the thoughts that crowded her head, but she knew who we were and understood the things we said to her.

On Mother’s Day, my sisters and I spent an emotional afternoon telling our mother how much we loved her and shedding tears of joy along with her as she told us goodbye by scarcely uttering a word. It was the last time all four of her children were together with her and, as we held her hands, we understood what she was trying to say but couldn’t.

Over the next week and a half, each of us individually spent a lot of time with our mother as she began to drift away. Much of what she said was incomprehensible, but from time to time we experienced those miraculous moments in which she clearly described visions of the next life. She described masses of people, some sitting and some standing, and a long road that she was reluctant to take only because of the unknown. She saw people who had died long before and seemed comforted by the sight of them. She described her vision of God and how beautiful He is.

These were not the ramblings of a feeble-minded woman. Each of us had become accustomed to what those sounded like. In these moments, which were only occasional and fleeting, she was able to put the words together in a way that clearly communicated what she saw.

I was amazed that, despite her illnesses of mind and body, communication with my mother was clear and meaningful in the end. One of the blessings our family experienced is the fact that none of us had any unfinished business, anything left unsaid, before she began the severe decline that resulted in her death. We had enjoyed years of “small-c communication” with her, which made our last conversations with her easier. Two nights before she died was the last time I talked with her; the next night she had slipped into a final deep sleep. I knew I would never talk with her again, but it was OK because there really was nothing left to say.

That’s the way our everyday communication should be: real, honest, meaningful and complete.

Confessions of a Low-Tech Guy

This may come as a surprise to some and as a disappointment to others, but I’m a pretty low-tech guy. My phone is not, and never has been, smart. I don’t text-message daily. I don’t even own an iPod.

It’s not that I’m afraid of technology or intimidated by it. Through my professional association, I was using social media a decade before it was called social media (IABC/Hyperspace, anyone?). I understand how to use technology for more effective communication and I’m confident I could help any client figure out what tools are right for their unique situation.

I have a Facebook page, which I mostly use to keep up with friends, and I have a Twitter account, which I use exclusively for business purposes. And, of course, I engage with readers of this blog.

It’s simply that I choose not to be any more tethered to technology than I already am. I see no compelling reason to be. My business is doing well after 10 years and my life is full. I choose to connect with the people in my life in more meaningful ways than I believe technology allows. I believe nothing really replaces face-to-face interaction when it comes to quality of communication. I enjoy using Facebook to keep up with more than 200 of my friends, but if Facebook went away tomorrow, I’d find other ways to stay in touch with those to whom I am closest.

I read about a study (through a colleague’s tweet) that found college students are “addicted” to the instantaneous information and connections that social media provide. Participants reported on how they felt when they gave up all media for 24 hours. “University of Maryland researchers conclude that most college students are not just unwilling, but functionally unable to be without their media links to the world,” according to a story on LiveScience.com.

“Texting and IM-ing my friends gives me a constant feeling of comfort,” one student reported. “When I did not have those two luxuries, I felt quite alone and secluded from my life. Although I go to a school with thousands of students, the fact that I was not able to communicate with anyone via technology was almost unbearable.”

In a separate but somewhat related blog comment today, my friend David Murray laments: “I am not made ‘uncomfortable’ by change. I am made sad and deeply worried by a society that’s increasingly connected by electrical cords alone.”

I’ve written before that I believe social media are robbing the next generation of social skills. We’re losing the ability to be truly present with the people around us — not distracted by media, not constantly texting others, but to be there in the moment.

But what is disturbing about this study is how despondent the students felt when they were connected to no one but themselves. I am an extrovert — I draw energy from being around other people — but even I value my alone time. We need time to think, to reflect, to face ourselves in an honest internal conversation. We need meditation, free time for our minds to wander and to create new thoughts.

We need time to disconnect.

‘Small C Communication’ II: Practice, Practice, Practice

In my previous post, I wrote about how my mother’s illness is robbing us of “communication with a small c.” That’s the everyday, organic communication in which we engage with our family members, co-workers, friends and neighbors. It’s the kind of communication employees often say is lacking in the workplace and the kind they wish their bosses would engage in more often. It’s the kind that’s often missing from marriages and other close relationships.

“Small c communication” seems like such a simple thing to do, yet we don’t do enough of it. I’ve been thinking about why that’s true and what people can do about it.

One reason “small c communication” might be lacking is because people don’t always know how to do it. This seems odd to me, but I’m an extrovert and a verbal person who also happens to have a career in communication. It comes naturally to me, but that’s not the case with a lot of people. Those who don’t possess communication skills, however, can learn them if it’s a high enough priority.

The problem is that many folks don’t place very much importance on communication. Some bosses think it’s a “soft” skill that’s not important to running a business. Of course, they couldn’t be more wrong. Many studies, including the landmark IABC Excellence Study, demonstrate that a healthy communication environment is one characteristic of high-performing companies. “Small c communication” is just as vital to a healthy communication environment as “big C” strategic communication.

Even in our personal lives, sometimes we undervalue communication as a component of healthy relationships. We might think we can check the communication box because we exchange basic information about who needs to be picked up when or what chores need to be done around the house, but no relationship can thrive without the meaningful “small c communication” that I wrote about last time. I believe many people avoid this kind of intimate communication because it requires total presence, transparency and vulnerability. When we share what’s really on our hearts and minds, and when we ask our loved ones to open their inner selves to us, we’re venturing into high-risk territory. But it’s also high-reward.

So, what steps can we take — at work, at home or anywhere else we interact with others — to begin mastering “small-c communication”?

Beyond learning communication skills, I believe the most important thing is to practice. Real, meaningful, powerful “small c communication” doesn’t just happen. It requires learning by doing. Just do it. Be intentional about it.

If you are a manager, that means setting aside a time every day to talk with the people who work for you. The president of a business for which I once worked said he considered communication the most important part of his job and he scheduled regular time for it. Otherwise he knew he wouldn’t do it.

If you want to improve communication with your spouse or other family member, set aside time throughout the day — not just 10 minutes at the end of the day — to practice it. Learn active listening and other communication skills, if necessary, but the most important thing is to not allow other demands to push communication aside.

Practicing “small c communication” is the only way to make it an integral part of your life, whether at work or at home. If it’s a regular part of your life, you will notice a positive difference in the quality of your relationships.

The Power of Communication with a Small C

I’ve spent my career practicing, writing, teaching and speaking about “Communication with a big C.” You know, things like communication strategy and tactical skills, how to develop plans, how to carry them out with excellence, and how to measure the impact of it all.

But I’m coming to realize that what really matters — in business and in life — is “communication with a small c.” That would include the everyday conversations we have with our bosses, co-workers, friends and family. Without communication with a small c, Communication with a big C is meaningless.

If I had my way, I would spend more time consulting, writing, teaching and speaking about communication with a small c. Inexplicably, there seems to be little demand for such services.

A lot of things in my personal life, and one in particular, have caused me to realize communication with a small c is where my real passion lies and where the greatest  opportunity exists.

My mother is seriously ill. This week she entered hospice care. We don’t know how much longer she’ll be with us. It could be six days, six weeks or six months. One thing I do know is that my mother has been drifting away for several years. That is the nature of Alzheimer’s disease. I know exactly what Ronald Reagan meant when he called it “the long goodbye.”

Communication with my mother is difficult. She can no longer piece together the words to make a coherent sentence. For a while, she knew exactly what she wanted to say, but she couldn’t say it. Now, I believe the disease is beginning to rob her of the ability to know what she wants to say.

We used to spend hours sharing the stories of our lives with each other. Now our conversations are brief and shallow. I can tell her I love her, but the sweetness of those words no longer lingers in her mind.

What a gift it is to communicate with the people who are important to us. Not just our parents, but our spouses or significant others, our children, the people in our office, the people with whom we do business. Yet we often take the gift for granted.

It amazes me how many of us shut ourselves down. We’re our own worst enemies when it comes to communication with a small c. How easy should it be to say:

• I love you.
• You are important to me.
• I’m proud of you.
• I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
• I want to tell you what’s on my mind.
• Tell me what’s on your mind.
• Let’s sit down and work this thing out.
• Let me make sure I understand what you’re saying.

But our stubborn internal editors stop those words before we give life to them. They never make it to the ears of the people who need to hear them. And if we’re on the receiving end of those words, those same internal editors stop them before they enter our minds, much less our hearts and souls.

Imagine the incredible difference it would make — in homes and workplaces — if people rediscovered how to communicate with a small c.

As it is, though, companies will continue to hire consultants like me to strategize, to advise them about the most effective communication vehicles, to develop and broadcast content, and to measure what they’re doing, all the while ignoring the powerful thing that is right under their noses — raw, organic, simple communication between and among people.

Are social skills silently fading away?

A few months ago I made a list of what I believe to be the fundamental skills every professional communicator should have in order to succeed. It’s a good list, but now I feel that I left out a skill that’s not only crucial for communicators, but for people in all walks of life: Social interaction. In real life. Not online.

A few things caused me to realize the importance of social interaction as a business and personal skill.

One was a holiday conversation with members of my family, some of whom have Facebook pages and use them regularly and some of whom do not. One of my sisters questioned the value of Facebook and said, “I don’t have the time for it. I’m busy enough trying to keep up with my life as it is.” As a regular Facebook user, I pointed out that it helps me manage my friendships and adds a certain depth to them that I otherwise would not experience.

But I have to admit that it would be very easy to slip into what author and “lifetyle expert” Judith Wright calls a “soft addiction” to Facebook — or Twitter or e-mail or any other electronic media, for that matter. An interesting article by Melissa Ruggieri in Sunday’s Richmond Times-Dispatch looked at this phenomenon. She quotes Wright as saying a soft addiction is a seemingly harmless activity that negatively affects the way we live.

So if you find yourself constantly checking Facebook, Twitter or e-mail or if you feel anxious when you can’t do so, you might have a soft addiction to them. If your participation in social media — or in any other activity — keeps you from developing and nurturing real-life, face-to-face relationships with friends and family, then things might just be a bit out of hand.

Another holiday conversation brought this point back to the communication profession. In a much-too-rare visit with my mentor and best friend Les Potter, our talk turned to the future communicators he teaches in the Department of Mass Communication & Communication Studies at Towson University. Les continuously reinforces the importance of “face time” and the interpersonal social skills that his students will need when they join the workforce — even as they use social media tools in their profession. Nothing replaces real-life interaction for quality of communication. Body language, tone of voice and human warmth simply cannot be replicated online.

Les also bemoaned his experience at last year’s IABC World Conference — not because the program lacked quality, but because the hallway conversations, the impromptu discussions at the hotel lobby bar and the camaraderie that once were highlights of the annual event were missing. “Everyone was buried in their cell phones, texting and tweeting,” Les said. “People didn’t pay attention to the other people around them. I felt invisible.”

Anyone who knows Les knows that he doesn’t require constant attention or validation. But who can blame him for feeling walled out of his professional colleagues’ electronic worlds?

I believe social media have great value in the new communication landscape. They are changing the way business is transacted and they are changing the way we communicators do our jobs. They offer many benefits in terms of creating niche communities and bringing far-flung people together. I love keeping in touch with family, friends and business colleagues through social media.

However, I fear the art of social interaction is being lost as a result of too much reliance on social media. And I believe instructors of the next generation of communicators — and of business people in general — and stewards of our profession have an obligation to ensure social interaction skills don’t silently fade away.

The Necessary Ingredient for Effective Communication

Several things in my personal life lately have caused me to arrive at a conclusion about what makes communication work well. Hang on. This is going to get deep.

This is not a revelation in the sense that no one has ever realized it before. It’s more of a revelation in the sense that suddenly something clicked in my own mind. Here it is:

Communication works to its fullest potential only when it happens against the backdrop of trust.

Let me share a couple of personal stories that illustrate why this is so.

I’ve been trying to teach my 13-year-old son the nature of trust lately. He is a good kid, but like many kids his age and younger, he occasionally stretches the truth with me. Or he tells me his version of the truth. Kids have a way of convincing themselves that something really happened a certain way and then it becomes truth to them.

Truthfulness is something he will learn with time and experience. As part of his learning, I’ve tried to help him understand that trust takes a long time to create but only an instant to tear down. One lie — or one instance of bending the truth — is all it takes. Then we have to start over at square one.

When a lack of complete trust exists, it’s difficult for my son to communicate to me about things that are troubling him. Is his throat painfully sore or just a little scratchy? Is that kid really picking on him for no reason, or did he do something to provoke it? He gets frustrated because he’s trying to communicate something to me and I’m not fully receiving it.

I also thought about trust as it relates to grown-up relationships. I’ve just begun a relationship with a wonderful woman I’ve known for many years — most of my life, in fact. We were friends long before we began dating. We have a shared history and we trust one another.

That trust came into play as we had a conversation recently. The subject was difficult, but we communicated quite well. She expressed something that was on her mind and I was able to receive it with empathy and understanding. I could respond and she could understand my perspective because she trusts me too.

I have been in other relationships with women I didn’t know nearly as well. We’d not had the time to build trust in one another. So, when those difficult conversations came up — as they inevitably do in any relationship — communication couldn’t take place to its fullest potential.

This is why communication is so difficult in the workplace. Employees don’t trust management. One co-worker doesn’t trust the other. A customer doesn’t trust the company they’re dealing with. If trust ever was created, things happened to tear it down — lack of transparency, broken promises, office politics.

Communication can’t take place in that kind of environment. Executives and PR professionals can say all they want, but audiences aren’t in a place where they can listen with empathy and understanding.

We communication professionals like to treat communication as a sterile, unemotional process. At its core, though, communication is wrapped up in human issues like trust. There’s just no escaping it.